February 9, 2002
Places associated with death and loss are hard to face when a loved one has passed away. It is a test of character and courage for Lionheart to return alone to the river where Clearheart and Snowbird died.
The air was cold as I walked slowly away. Alone. In that murky time just before sunset when the colours are fading out and everything is cooling, frosting. When a number of nights ago it would have been shrouded in low hanging fog, now everything was unnaturally clear, strangely silent. The chill had hailed in the start of the winter season, the dark light.
My footsteps were silent, but definitely not light as I trod along a slightly overgrown prey path. It wasn't a weight of fear, but of reluctance that crushed the normal bounce in my stride. Challenges. I knew that to some they were annoying, even frightening, but I lived off them. The rush of adrenaline and alertness was what I lived for. The excitement. The thrill. Staying within 'safe' limits was frustrating and even more pointless. Testing the boundaries was the only way to stay truly alive.
I knew Beechnut would try to stop me if she knew what I was planning. This wasn't spontaneous, but I hadn't told anyone of my plans, even risking the wrath of Wildstar to come out here on my own, at a time when I knew no one else would be here. Beechnut had saved my life many times over, from traps and snares of humans and of grief. But though her gentle friendship could come with me here, her watchful eye and protective nature couldn't… I needed to be alone. To see if I could do this.
The winds' scent changed as I neared my destination, solemnly leaving the comforting embrace of the forest. I shivered as I stripped my vest and bracers off, followed swiftly by the rest of my clothes. Alone and exposed, I tried to stop the rapid beating of my heart against my ribs. The swiftness that my breath came in showed my apprehension of this task. The shaking that overtook my hands threatened to overwhelm me as well. I had known pain here, and loss.
I shut my eyes. I couldn't do it. Fighting with myself, I tried to summon some last, unknown reserves of courage, of strength. Of the will to go through with this. I would not run. Lionheart. Even my name means bold. A half-hearted grin quirked up the corner of my lips as I opened my eyes. That settled it. I couldn't go against my name.
I took a breath, and ran…faster, gathering speed….
The water hit my chest like a troll's hammer, forcing the breath out of my lungs with a pounding force. I gasped, taking in a mouthful of river water as I kicked my way back to the surface.
Alive.
I'd made it. The water ran down my hair and was blinked out of my eyes as I started shivering, with triumph and with cold. The river would no longer hold anything over me. Since my mother's death I hadn't returned here. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could.
With another shiver I realized that I shouldn't have waited this long. The cold was starting to edge beneath my skin as I kicked my way towards the bank. I pulled myself up, gasping and shivering, but never having felt better - until a warm hand grabbed my wrist and helped me out.
I was startled, until I looked up to see my gaze reflected in deep green, knowing eyes. Beechnut blinked slowly, a slow smile spreading across her delicate features as a response to my own grin. She pulled a thin hide around me, her own embrace helping to warm me.
I shouldn't have been surprised. I depend on her for so much… I don't know if I would have survived without her. I didn't try to explain my slightly foolish actions. The smile in her eyes was enough to show me that no words were needed. Picking up the bundle of clothes, I wrapped my arm around her waist, softly pressing my nose into her neck. Together, the way back to the Holt wasn't nearly so cold.